


Out Of The Abyss

by cuckoobird



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: A lot of confusion and pining, Angst, Complete, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Lie Low At Lupin's, M/M, Post-Goblet of Fire, Post-Sirius Black in Azkaban, Romance, first wizarding war, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-04
Updated: 2015-08-04
Packaged: 2018-04-12 22:51:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4497732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cuckoobird/pseuds/cuckoobird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>“Lay low at Lupin’s” he had said, but there couldn’t have been a heavier contrast between the lightness and ease of the old man’s words and the weigh that Sirius felt upon him, standing in front of Remus’ door. Because to him, Remus wasn’t just “Lupin” and he hadn’t a clue how he could just walk in and “lay low” like Dumbledore had said. The twelve years after James and Lily’s death could not be avoided, much less erased or forgotten, and Remus’ silence over the past year wasn’t something that soothed the feeling of burning acid in Sirius’ stomach.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>In which Sirius and Remus still love each other, and they know it. But then what makes it so hard?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Out Of The Abyss

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, this is my first story on here so I hope you guys like it! It's based on a headcanon I saw on tumblr, but linking it on it would kind of spoil the story. If anyone wants it, I could send you the link though. Anyway, I hope you enjoy and please let me know what you think!
> 
> And yes, the title I stole from Bo Burnham, but that is the only connection there is, I promise.
> 
> Thank you thank you thank you to demigod43-of-221b on tumblr for proofreading for me, being honest and making this story definitely better than it was and thank you to dracoluciuspotter on tumblr for giving me the courage to even post this on here!

Sirius hadn’t seen Remus since that night, now more than a year ago. The night in which for a brief moment, it seemed as if everything would be all right. But then Peter had escaped and that one fleeting moment of hope that Sirius had felt vanished faster than it had come. He hadn’t heard of, spoken to or seen Remus since. Dumbledore’s words echoed through his head. “Lay low at Lupin’s” he had said, but there couldn’t have been a heavier contrast between the lightness and ease of the old man’s words and the weigh that Sirius felt upon him, standing in front of Remus’ door. Because to him, Remus wasn’t just “Lupin” and he hadn’t a clue how he could just walk in and “lay low” like Dumbledore had said. The twelve years after James and Lily’s death could not be avoided, much less erased or forgotten, and Remus’ silence over the past year wasn’t something that soothed the feeling of burning acid in Sirius’ stomach. 

At the moment, Sirius was furiously regretting having refused Dumbledore’s offer of writing to Remus to let him know Sirius would be coming. Though at that moment, writing to Remus was the last thing Sirius had wanted to do. If his old friend - if the word friend even applied to what Remus was anymore - was to take him in, he needed to do it for _Sirius_ , not for Dumbledore or Harry or anyone else, for that matter. Though standing in front of Remus’ door like this, on the front step of a small cottage at the edge of a little and well-hidden muggle village, his heart sank and his limbs seemed to be filled with lead. Twelve years in Azkaban and two years living as a fugitive, but still Sirius had most trouble with bringing up the courage to knock on the door. Because knocking meant facing Remus and facing Remus was the problem. Sirius had no idea what that would mean. The only thing Sirius knew for sure was that Remus was alive, and rubbing over his right wrist nervously, he thought, _that had to mean something._  
* * *  
His house stood at the very edge of a small village in Northern Wales, facing the woods on one side and open fields on the other. It was ideal, because most of the elderly inhabitants of the village believed in all sorts of strange and really non-existent animals and monsters living in their forest, which made it not too complicated to explain the howls that came from this side of the trees once every month. Besides, they never left their homes much anyway. 

Remus looked out the window at the shadows the trees cast in the dim and quickly fading light. He could see his reflection in the glass and absent-mindedly lifted his hand to touch a still unhealed cut crossing his cheek. Two days had passed since the full, but he was still feeling jittery and anxious, weak. He scanned his reflection again, letting his eyes glide over the scars that had appeared over the past few years. It made him look older than thirty-five, an effect that was enforced by the dark circles under his eyes and his hollow cheeks. Not that it mattered. He should have died at twenty-one, but for some reason beyond Remus’ explanation, he was still here. 

A movement caught Remus’ attention out of the corner of his eye and snapped him out of his sulking. It was now almost completely dark outside, the sky only one or two shades lighter than the swallowing dark of the night. Remus frowned and pressed closer to the cold glass, squinting to see the edge of the forest. He stood completely still for several moments, his shallow breath condensing small circles where his lips touched the window. He was almost ready to turn around and shrug it off, because being a werewolf, paranoia wasn’t uncommon and it wouldn’t be the first time he’d imagined a large, black dog padding at the edge of his vision, when there was definitely something that moved between the trees. Something large and black. 

Without thinking twice, Remus reached for his wand and within seconds he was out the door and taking large strides through the moonlit night towards the forest. 

“Lumos.” 

To many people, the tall thick trees that stood close together and cast even taller and thicker shadows would have seemed threatening, but not to Remus. He knew these woods like the inside of his pocket. If anything, he was at an advantage here. He jogged across the trees, his wand held out in front of him firmly, but every time he though he saw something and turned, whatever it was had already disappeared. 

After what must have been at least half an hour, Remus decided it had been enough and made towards his back door again. He grunted when he saw he’d left his back door open and shone his want through the kitchen once, just to be sure, before muttering “Nox,” and closing the door behind him. He then fumbled for the light switch, cursing himself for being a bloody idiot and not waiting with extinguishing his wand. He blinked a few times against the sudden light and then yelped when he saw the thin, dark man standing in his kitchen. 

“Bloody fucking hell.” 

Sirius grinned, though it was nothing compared to the way he used to grin fifteen years ago. It was really more of a nervous chuckle. “I probably did deserve that,” he muttered, “but that was pretty foul, Moony.” 

Remus blinked once, twice, and then lowered his wand. _Moony._ The nickname had simply rolled past Sirius’ lips and Remus found himself taken aback by the familiar feel that clung to it, even when he hadn’t heard it in more than fourteen years. “Sirius,” he greeted the man in front of him, who was rocking on the balls of his feet like a boy, his shoulders shrugged and his hands thrust deep into his pockets. 

Remus was debating whether “What are you doing here?” was a too cold way to start conversation when Sirius broke the silence. “I’m guessing Dumbledore didn’t send you an owl?” Remus shook his head and heard Sirius mutter something that sounded much like, “Old git must’ve kept his word for once.” At this, Remus raised his eyebrows, but decided not to further inquire, mostly because Sirius had opened a cupboard and filled a glass of water for himself, drained it and filled it again, all as if he was walking around in his own home. Then he started talking again. Rambling, really.  
“You get the Daily Prophet here?” he asked, but didn’t wait for an answer before he continued. “I’d like to see a copy, later on, if you don’t mind. Can’t seem to get my hands on them outside Hogsmeade. Anyway,” Sirius went on, pacing around the same metre restlessly, the half-full glass of water in one hand, with which he was dangerously gesturing around. 

Remus couldn’t take his eyes off him, off this man that was suddenly standing in his house after having left him fourteen years earlier. Sirius looked nervous, too much white around the irises of his too large eyes and a quivering crease between his eyebrows. “You probably heard about the Diggory kid? The other Hogwarts champion? Dead. Just like that.” 

“Sirius.” Remus now tried to cut in, but Sirius rattled on, looking down at his feet. “Harry just got away. I was there when Fudge heard it from Dumbledore, but he won’t believe it. The Ministry’s just going to cover it all up because -“ 

“Sirius!” Remus interrupted him again, this time by grabbing hold of Sirius’ shoulders, which were definitely thinner than he remembered. _I can’t believe it,_ Remus thought, all too aware of the nerves on his palms, _I remember his shoulders._ He could feel bones protruding under his fingers and cursed himself for recalling the feeling of the way Sirius’ muscles used to feel instead. Sirius looked up and met his gaze, nodding apologetically a couple of times before Remus dropped his hands self-consciously and they both cast down their eyes. 

“Sit down,” Remus said slowly. “Start again.” 

Sirius nodded and smiled at him for a moment, before his expression turned dark and clouded again, which didn’t improve the confused feeling with which Remus had been living for more than fourteen years now. 

“Voldemort’s back, Moony.” He said and set down his glass on the kitchen counter. “He’s back and he killed Cedric Diggory and he almost got Harry as well, during the last task of the Triwizard Tournament. Fudge won’t believe it, but it’s true. Dumbledore and the Weasley’s are restoring the Order. I alerted the old crowd and now I’ve got to… lay low.” Sirius gestured around the kitchen, to Remus and to himself. “Hence… this.” 

Remus nodded to himself, slowly, because yes, he had read about Cedric Diggory in the Prophet and after the events at the Quidditch World Cup, the dark mark in the sky and the rumours of Voldemort hiding in Albania it all made perfect sense. Almost too much sense. He looked up at Sirius again and again noticed how painfully bad he looked. He had eyes that seemed too big for their sockets and malnourishment had turned the skin between his high cheekbones and his straight jaw into hollow cheeks. He looked white like a sheet of paper and frankly, as if he was balancing on the edge of life and death. 

“All right,” Remus said, avoiding Sirius’ gaze. The man seemed to be trying to catch Remus’ eye but he refused, not sure what he would do when their gazes met. He’d wondered how their reunion would be like ever since that night in the Shrieking Shack and thought he’d considered every possible detail, but tonight seemed to be going nothing like he thought it could have. Yet, there was something that made Remus want to shout and cry and slam himself against a wall, but he couldn’t bring himself to ask. To ask why Sirius was still here despite everything that happened. To state that he too, was still here, even though he shouldn’t be. Not after twelve years. 

“You should eat something,” he then said, “I’ll go prepare your room.” 

At this, Sirius’ eyes brightened and he lifted his chin and squared his shoulders. “I can stay?” He ask, which sent a jab through Remus’ gut, because how could Sirius have thought otherwise? 

“Of course,” he answered, the fingers of his left hand tracing invisible lines along the back of his right hand and wrist. He noticed Sirius’ gaze flickering to the movement for a moment and quickly dropped his hands. “For as long as you want. Or need.” He quickly added. 

Sirius nodded again and gave Remus a confusing smile once more. He smiled back for a flitting second and then made his way past Sirius a little quicker than was necessary.  
* * *  
While Remus was shuffling around the house, Sirius looked around the kitchen and marvelled at how familiar everything felt. He ate five messily made sandwiches while staring at the cabinets in front of him, of which he knew what they contained before having even opened them. It was as though Sirius had lived here for years, as if he had organised everything himself, and that feeling remained when he stepped out into the hallway and then the living room, which he knew was behind the door he opened before even touching the doorknob. It all felt like some strange sort of déjà vu. Everything was the same as it had been before. Only it was different. _Obviously,_ Sirius thought to himself, obviously it was different from before. Stupid of him to even have allowed himself to hope for things to have stayed the same, even despite that one fact that complicated everything and that served as a spark of fire in the seemingly never-ending darkness. But Sirius dared not consider it. 

He was just running his fingers over the spines of various muggle paperbacks, when he heard Remus clear his throat behind him and turned around. Remus was standing in the doorway, a thick, worn towel in his arms. “You should…” he started, but then apparently changed his mind. “You can take a shower, if you’d like.” Sirius felt the corners of his mouth pull at the sight of his slightly flustered Moony and flashed his old friend a nervous grin, who returned his grin with a shy smile. He didn’t even need Remus to show him the bathroom door. 

Standing in the shower with his long hair plastered to his face, Sirius traced the lines of ink that he had drawn on his right hand and wrist, as something to hold on to. To be able to remind himself of the meaning of those lines and the fact that they would be bound to him forever. What he would give to just be able to shove his wrist under Remus’ nose and ask him what, _what,_ this meant. But the sorting had had been wrong for thinking he was brave, Sirius thought and slammed his fist against the wall. Once, twice, and more times, until his fingers felt numb and he leaned his head against the cold tiles. He cursed to himself, because really, he wasn’t much more than a lousy coward.  
* * *  
_“All right, close your eyes.” Sirius said to Remus, who raised an eyebrow at his friend.  
“Pads, I am wearing a blindfold.” He replied dryly, but the corners of his mouth curled upwards and moon crescent-shaped dimples appeared in his cheeks._ God, _Sirius would never get enough of him. He bit his lip as he pressed the small piece of metal into Remus’ hand and grinned when Remus intertwined their fingers, not letting him pull away._

_“Can I take the bloody blindfold off now?” A broad grin was now spread across Remus’ face._

_“No.” Said Sirius simply, “And watch the language.” He pressed his mouth to Remus’, who inhaled sharply and then chuckled._

_“Christ, you really must be enjoying yourself.”_

_Too much, Sirius thought. Shaking his head to himself, Sirius grabbed Remus’ hand again and lifted it so it rested on the large doorknob in front of them. Remus, muttering something Sirius couldn’t make out, fumbled around until he found the lock and stuck the key inside. Sirius, who was standing ready, immediately pushed the door open._

_“Now you can take off the blindfold.” He said, but couldn’t resist the temptation and yanked it off, a little to wildly maybe, because Remus exclaimed “Ow!” and brought his hands up to his chestnut curls. “Idiot.” Remus muttered, pushing Sirius against the closest wall._

_“My second name,” Sirius chuckled in response, getting a little distracted by the freckles sprawled across his Moony’s jaw._

_“Not only an idiot, it appears, but now a liar as well.”_

_“Hmm.” Sirius answered, tracing his fingers across Remus’ cheekbones. “No need for that flattery Moony. If you want to, you can just kiss me.”_  
* * *  
_Later, Remus lay with his head in Sirius’ lap while Sirius toyed with his springy curls. He had to admit, he missed the sixth year undercut. Sirius had loved stroking the short spiky hairs on the back of Remus’ head, or nuzzling against them with his nose before pressing kisses onto Remus’ neck, but really, Sirius would have Remus in whichever way he came._

_“I mean we’ve got to do something about this grandma sofa,” Sirius said, not mentioning he got it from the Potters even though Remus already knew, probably. “We need something cool.”_

_“A cool sofa?” Remus repeated, looking up at Sirius questioningly and then laughing. “No comment.”_

_“You ass. I bought you a house, you’re supposed to be nice.” Sirius said jokingly, but then saw clouds drifting over Remus’ eyes and frowned, afraid he’d possibly gone over a line. Because to Sirius his full Gringotts vault meant nothing, but he knew that to Remus it did._

_“It’s,”_

_“Nothing.” Remus finished his sentence, sitting up and moving closer towards Sirius._

_“Moony, we can t-“ He started to say, but Remus had already pressed his mouth onto his and pushed him backwards into the sofa and Sirius succumbed to the young man, the boy really, and breathlessly returned Remus’ hungry kisses with his own. When Remus pulled back, Sirius lay still for a couple of moments, catching his breath and staring at the ceiling, cursing himself for never getting used to this. Hoping he never would get used to it._

_“I’m an idiot,” Remus sighed, burying his head into Sirius’ shoulder and Sirius in response pressed his nose into the light-brown curls. Saying “no” never convinced Remus._

_“It’s a rubbish house you know. Bloody roof leaks and the pipes stink. Would’ve gotten you a manor, big ‘fuck you’ to the Malfoys and my fucking mother, but Prongs the tosser needed baby-sitters for their coming baby, huh? After this bloody hassle, when you’ve invented some werewolf-curing, skin-juvenescent potion and made a million, you’ll buy me a manor, no?”_

_They sat in silence for a moment, until Remus turned his head and pressed his lips ever so softly onto the crook between Sirius’ neck and jaw. Sirius’ eyes fluttered close and he let his head fall forward onto Remus’ shoulder, tracing the line of a scar with his nose and holding Remus’ right hand in both of his.  
“Never let me go,” Remus whispered, which seemed to suit the silence that had settled over them. _

_“Don’t be ridiculous, Moons,” Sirius frowned then. He looked down at their intertwined fingers and let his fingertips trace lines across the back of Remus’ hand. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, rehearsing the words in his head until he said. “I’ll love you forever, Moony.”_

_Remus just nodded. “I know, love.” He said. And Sirius knew his Moony would love him forever too._  
* * *  
The moment Sirius opened his eyes, he felt as if he had gone back in time fourteen years. With his eyes still closed, he pressed his nose into his pillow and inhaled deeply. They smelled of soap and wind, but most of all of _Remus_ , which made Sirius’ insides stir too frantically for someone who’d just woken up. Reluctantly, he stretched, but his arms found nothing but empty space and cold. 

When he opened his eyes, he saw the orange light of dusk coming through the window and thought, _Fuck_ , for he hadn’t meant to sleep this long. From outside his room, he could hear Remus going about the house, but busied himself with inspecting the whole room instead of stepping out of it. It wasn’t much of a room, really. It just fit the mattress that lay on the ground and the bookshelves that covered all the walls around it. Most were filled with magical books about Defence Against The Dark Arts, History of Magic and Magical Animals, but some shelves were stocked messily with muggle novels and rectangular boxes with pictures on the covers, about as big as books but containing strange plastic rectangles that didn’t seem to do much. _The Breakfast Club_ , one cover said, but after looking at the cover for a few moments and reading the back, which only said _John Hughes_ , he put it back. It seemed lousy enough, typically something for Remus to like. 

Sirius noticed Remus had laid down a set of clean clothes for him in the very corner of the room, which he had overlooked the night before. He cast a look at his own rags, that lay on a heap at the foot of his mattress, and then looked up into a small mirror. Heart sinking, he determined he was in as bad a state as his clothing was. Sirius remembered being handsome, being confident. Remembered the days when he never bothered looking in a mirror because the only person who’s opinion mattered to Sirius wouldn’t even notice him doing effort or not. He pulled on Remus’ trousers, even though he stepped on the hems of the jeans, and was just pulling a white shirt over his head when the door burst open and Remus stood there. 

“I’m sorry,’ the latter said. “I was just-“

“No it’s fine,” Sirius immediately interrupted, “I was just-“  
Both stood still for a moment, breathing heavily and doing their utmost best to not look each other in the eye. 

“I prepared dinner,” Remus finally broke the silence, letting go of the doorknob and stepping back a little, rubbing the back of his neck. _Like he used to_ , Sirius thought. 

“Good,” He said, then flinched and corrected himself, “I mean, thank you.” He gave Remus an apologetic look, his chest feeling tight with awkwardness and unease. Why had they become this way? Of all the people he could have lost in his life, why had Sirius been estranged from Remus? From Moony, who would forever be his and to whom he would forever belong, no matter what happened. 

Sirius didn’t know if fourteen years of cooking for himself (at least Sirius _thought_ Remus had spent these past fourteen years cooking for himself, because frankly, he couldn’t handle thinking about the alternative) had dramatically improved Remus’ cooking, or if any food tasted like a feast to him after Azkaban and the past year living off rats, but dinner was delicious. 

Additionally, the fact that Sirius spent all of the meal filling himself or his plate, made up for the lack of conversation. Remus asked how Harry was doing and Sirius told him about the past year and the letters he’d been receiving from Harry, but soon stopped when he saw the darkness appearing in Remus’ eyes. He hadn’t realised that Harry hadn’t been in contact with Remus the way Harry had been with him. Remus wasn’t Moony to Harry, while Sirius was Snuffles. But everything had to be different in the first place. They should have been uncles Pads and Moons, though that didn’t happen. 

Silence fell upon them again, and the two of them spent the next three days like this. Strained silence and occasional questioning glances thrown in each other’s direction. The ache in Sirius’ chest increased with every passing hour, making him feel hollow and lost, because even though he’d felt that ache before, now there was no one to wrap their arms around him until it went away. He wandered if Remus thought the same as he did, if he ever ached for Sirius in the way Sirius did for him, but he dared never ask. 

Their silence went on until on the fourth night of Sirius’ stay, Remus stood up from the table without comment, leaving Sirius a little flustered and wondering if he had said something terrible wrong. Or not said enough. Only then he returned, with a bottle of firewhiskey in one hand and two glasses in the other. Sirius watched his old friend intently, his eyes following every twitch of Remus’ fingers as he poured generous amounts into both glasses and then pushed one towards Sirius. 

“You looked like you needed it.” He added and Sirius just nodded, taking a large gulp. So they sat, but this time in a more comfortable silence, sipping their firewhiskey and occasionally meeting each other’s gaze, though not for long. Sirius stared at his fists on the table, closing and opening them again and again, fourteen years fogging through his mind, all of which he wanted to share with Remus but didn’t know _how_ to. 

“Moony,” Sirius said, his voice rasped in his throat painfully. “You know how you told me in muggle prisons the light is always on? So the prisoners go mad, because they don’t know the difference between day and night anymore?” He asked. Remus looked up from his glass and nodded slowly. Sirius’ suddenly saw the exact same boy he knew all those years ago. He noticed the new scars on Remus’ face and the dark circles between his eyes, but still, he hadn’t changed much. He had the same large, doe-like eyes, gold and speckled with green and gold, the same button nose and the same slight frown between his eyebrows that appeared when he was listening intently or concentrating hard. “Azkaban wasn’t like that.” He told Remus. It was silent for a moment, a moment in which Sirius hated himself for sounding so pitiful, because he didn’t _want_ Remus’ pity. Then Remus shifted in his chair, “You don’t have to tell.” 

“I _do._ ” Sirius insisted. “I have to.” 

This time he looked Remus straight in the eye for the first time in what seemed to be ages and held his gaze until his old friend nodded, understanding perfectly despite all their years apart. And so Sirius continued. “It’s always dark, as if there’s magic around the place to keep away daylight. Not nighttime dark, but dark like dusk, when there’s nothing. There’s no day anymore but the night hasn’t arrived yet. It feels like waiting all the time, waiting for your next meal, waiting for the dementors to come again. Hell, I was waiting to _die.”_

He saw Remus flinch at this but continued, because he was afraid if he stopped now, he’d never be able to start over again and he needed Remus to understand, even though he didn’t know how to tell him that Remus was the reason he was still alive, the reason he had lived even after spending all those years wanting to die. “I found them Remus, I found them and Harry was crying so much and -“ 

He had to stop for a moment, to breath and he looked at Remus, who just looked at him with those large eyes that seemed to be filled with pain and with sorrow. He wondered if Remus’ expression mirrored his own. “I don’t even remember what happened exactly, a lot has faded. But I remember the pain. I don’t even know if it was my own pain or if the dementors force it upon you. It just came coming back and everything disappears except for this large, black fog of pain.” _Everything disappeared, except for you._ “But the anger stayed. I swear to God, Moony, I was so angry. Still am. If Peter, disgusting foul-“ Sirius’ fists were clenched so tight his fingers had turned white and he felt his breath fastening irregularly. “If I hadn’t been such a fucking coward, such a bloody fucking _coward._ ” 

Sirius had to take a deep breath and noticed his vision was fogged with thick, warm tears, which spilled over his lids the moment he blinked. “I would’ve killed him right there, Moons. With my own bare hands if I had to. I’d have made him feel the pain I felt for twelve years, but I can’t make him feel the guilt. _His most loyal servant_ , Voldemort calls him, it’s disgusting.” 

Taking another gulp of his drink, Sirius looked up at Remus and continued, keeping his eyes fixed on his friends. “I just… I wish I could’ve done better for Harry. He never deserved this. Lily and James… Lily and James never-” This time his voice broke and with his chest heaving up and down with heavy sobs, he watched how tears now ran down Remus’ face too. He sobbed until his throat felt raw and thick and painful and shook his head at Remus. “They’re with me, Moons, I see them every night.” 

“I know Pads.” Remus whispered, making Sirius sob even harder, especially when Remus reached over and his fingertips lightly brushed over the Sirius’. 

“I-“ Sirius sobbed, “I… Why us, Moons? Why us and not them? Wh..why?” He buried his face in his arms, feeling Remus’ fingers fractions of an inch from his and breathed until he’d calmed his sobs. Slightly embarrassed, he looked up minutes later and saw Remus’ eyes too were bloodshot from crying. 

“I’d better go to sleep.” Sirius then sniffed and Remus looked up at him with a questioning look in his eyes. Sirius wondered if he could, for one moment, give in to his will and fall into Remus’ arms again, but didn’t. Was he too afraid to? He didn’t know. He looked at Remus for one more second and turned around, feeling like he was going to start crying all over again, because it shattered him into tiny pieces when he realised that walking away from Remus was easier than the alternative. Shutting his bedroom door behind him, he remembered the nights in which he and Remus had grown apart, distrust instead of comfort filling their silences. The nights in which Remus and Sirius slept in the same bed, but with their backs facing each other and not turning around when they felt the other climb into the bed. He remembered all the nights he stood in the empty bedroom after having closed the door behind him and he remembered waiting for the door to be pulled open after him. It had never happened. 

Sirius buried his head in his hands and took a deep breath, then another, preventing himself from throwing around all of these stupid muggle books around the room or from punching a whole right through the plaster wall. When he’d held Remus’ hand sixteen years ago and promised to love him forever, he’d never imagined this was what would become of them. Remus was still here, he hadn’t broken his promise. But then why didn’t he come to him, prove he had held his word? 

Only he did, because the door flew open behind Sirius and when the young, black-haired man turned around to see his old friend standing in the doorway, his lips pursed into a tight line and eyes looking pained, he felt the relief and surprise he’d been waiting to feel all those nights but  
never did until now.  
* * *  
_It was just a Furry Little Problem, they had said. They would support him despite what he was, they had promised._ No matter what he was. _But James, who had promised he would always have a friend in him, had a guarded look in his eyes whenever he looked at him now. Lily smiled kindly when their gazes met, but then looked away. And Sirius. Sirius, with who’m he’d lived for together for the largest part of his life, was almost always somewhere else when Remus was home. And whenever Sirius was home, it was hard to tell a difference with when he wasn’t. It had started during their nights. There were no more caresses in the dark, no more heads buried into necks, no more breathing each other’s name between hungry kisses. Then the kisses had stopped and the touches had left, until even Sirius himself was barely there._

_The Marauders had promised they saw him the way he was, but now, after nine years, Remus thought bitterly, they finally saw him for what he really was. He was a monster. And when terrible things were happening, wasn’t it oh so easy to blame the one who was already a monster?_

_Feeling constantly torn between feeling broken, because even his friends, who he though would never be influenced by the prejudices others suffered from, had lost faith in him, and anger, he mostly focussed his attention on Order matters, because there no one knew of his condition and trusted him like they did any other. He was poring over a hand-drawn map of Northern Scotland, looking at the lines that traced the whereabouts of Death Eater sightings and the dots that signalled attacks on muggles, trying to find a pattern, , when he heard the front door slam in the usual way that indicated Sirius was home._

_Remus heard Sirius’ loud footsteps echo through the house and purposefully ignored Sirius when he passed by him. Remus wondered if Sirius’ footsteps had slowed down a little when nearing him or if he had merely imagined it. The latter, probably._

_The door to the fridge opened and Sirius took out something, coming back out of the kitchen with a carton of milk raised to his lips. Sirius and Remus locked eyes for a moment, their gazes hostile and challenging. It was Remus who broke the silence, the moment Sirius was ready to stomp off to the bedroom, the way he always did nowadays, whenever he was actually home._

_“Did you give my best to James and Lily?”_

_Sirius turned around at this is lowered the carton of milk, slowly screwing the lid back on. His eyes narrowed with suspicion._

_“You didn’t tell me to, did you?” Sirius sneered slightly, a chunk of long, black hair falling out of his bun and flopping in front of his eyes. He shook it away impatiently._

_Remus shrugged and held Sirius’ gaze challengingly. “Well, I’m their friend, so it’s not that weird a suggestion, is it? Given that I haven’t seen them recently thanks to all the Order business.” Remus conveniently ignored that the reason he had submerged himself so much in the Order of the Phoenix was that he no longer felt the welcome and warmth he used to with James and Lily, and especially with Sirius. The only Marauder who occasionally came by was Peter, but he was careful to avoid the other three as a conversational topic, and even though he had been Remus’ friend, just like James and Sirius, Peter would never be enough to still Remus’ loneliness._

_“Right,” Sirius snarled, “Order business.”_

_With that, the young man strode to the kitchen and Remus heard the fridge open and close roughly, followed by multiple other cupboards. A loud sigh came from Sirius and he walked out again, a cigarette dangling from his lips and his long, nimble fingers striking a match. Sirius lighted the thing, inhaled deeply and let out a large cloud of smoke from his mouth that made Remus’ throat and nose itch and smelled absolutely disgusting._

_“Since when do you smoke?” Remus blurted out without thinking._

_Sirius shrugged, leaning casually against the wall in that intolerable way of his. “Been stressful times.”_

_Remus frowned at the handsome young man in front of him, black hair pulled into a bun held together by his straight and rune-engraved wand. He’d worn the same leather jacket and black combat boots the day they moved in together, but the man standing in this room was almost a stranger to Remus. He’d never imagined Sirius would act this way towards him. Cold and detached. He didn’t even know whether he could trust Sirius anymore. After all, it was becoming painfully clear that Sirius didn’t trust him._

_“Right,” was Remus’ forced answer, and with that, their silence was settled. Remus tried his best not to look at Sirius, who was smoking his cigarette while scanning the front page of the Daily Prophet, looking apparently unbothered. Only his attempts were futile and his gaze kept creeping up to the handsome young man again, to the curve his back made and the slight stubble on his straight jawline._

_“How are they doing?” Remus then asked. Sirius looked up and threw him a questioning look, his cheeks sucking inwards as he inhaled deeply from the lit cigarette between his lips. “James and Lily.” Remus further clarified and Sirius nodded slowly, though the look on his face was still guarded and questioning. Suspicious, even._

_“Fine.” He said after a while._

_‘Great.”_

_‘Yeah.”_

_The silence between them was beyond painful. There used to be times in which Remus and Sirius always had something to say to each other, even if it wasn’t with words. Times in which their silence was comfortable and filled with other things._

_Remus shuffled around his papers for a few more minutes, not only trying to look busy, but actually hoping to distract himself from Sirius Black. He felt like shouting and couldn’t even exactly put his finger on the actual reason why. The whole situation was just so infuriating. He looked up at Sirius, desperately looking for a sign of the man he used to know, but it seemed as if Sirius was purposefully avoiding his insisting gaze._

_He still looked beautiful. So, so beautiful._

_After a few moments, Sirius folded the newspaper, heaving a deep sigh, and threw his cigarette but into the garbage bin. “I’m going to bed,” He muttered, his hands thrust deep in his pockets and his gaze fixed steadily on the ground in front of him._

_“Right.” Answered Remus quietly. “Night, love.”_

_The familiar words had escaped him, half by accident, half purposefully. Remus looked at Sirius, biting his lip in anticipation of his reaction. Sirius slowly looked up and the look in his eyes was different now. Still distant, but instead of angry or suspicious, he simply looked broken. Remus had seen the look before, but it had never been directed towards him._

_Sirius turned around without giving him another answer and slumped towards the hallway. Remus sat still as he heard their bedroom door fall shut and buried his head in his hands. How in heaven’s name had this happened?_

_* * *  
After almost two weeks of sleeping on James and Lily’s couch , Sirius still wondered where he was every time he woke up. Sirius felt the pressure on his chest that seemed to be there every day now, from the moment he woke up until he closed his eyes at night and long after that. The heavy burden of responsibility that came with the Fidelius Charm that had been placed on him. Sirius tried to ease his tension by telling himself that now at least Lily and James were safe. Now there was no way they could be found. _

_The only problem was that every time he thought in that direction, Remus’ face appeared in his mind and acid turned in his stomach. Sirius stared up at the ceiling, trying to blank his mind, shaking Remus’ face away every time it reappeared, but sleep didn’t come. He heard James’ soft voice talking to Harry upstairs, but decided against joining him. James was his best friend, his brother, but the thought of him only made Sirius feel more lonely and more broken. James had a family. He had someone to hold on to every night. Seeing it only reminded Sirius he’d lost that._

_Again, he thought of Remus and felt a surge of anger mixed with deep, deep sadness. The only person betraying them could have been Remus. The boy he’d befriended, the boy he’d loved. How could it have come so far? As Sirius walked to the window and stared into the night, he recalled headlines of the Daily Prophet stating that werewolves had joined Voldemort in masses. The snarling and ravaged face of Fenrir Greyback wasn’t hard for Sirius to recall, so many times had he seen his picture over the past weeks._

_Despite what Dumbledore had said, what James hadn’t said but had insinuated, Sirius didn’t want to believe it. He didn’t want to believe that Remus would betray his best friends like this. That Remus would give in to his dark nature. Because that’s what they’d had in common. Remus a werewolf and Sirius a descendant of the noble House of Black. They’d both tried to outrun their predetermined fate, but maybe Remus hadn’t run fast enough._

_Sighing against the cold glass, Sirius stared out over the small streets of Godric’s Hollow. They were completely deserted and lit by only a few streetlights that cast a yellow glow over the pavements. When Sirius looked up, he could see the full moon illuminating the tree tops._

_He blinked a couple of times as it sunk in. Sirius had never missed a full moon. He was already at the door when James appeared at the top of the stairs, his bed-head making his hair even messier and his glasses hanging askew._

_“Sirius, what the-?” He started asking, but was interrupted by little Harry, who started to wail loudly and struggle in his grip._

_Sirius just shook his head wildly, all sorts of terrible scenario’s flashing before his eyes. Remus breaking out of the house and into the forest, running so far he wouldn’t be able to find his way back. Remus scratching and biting himself so badly he wouldn’t wake up the next morning. Remus throwing over a cupboard and breaking his spine. Remus…_

_“I’ve got to go, Prongs.” He just said breathlessly and without waiting for James’ answer, he dissaparated. The moment he landed in his own living room he shouted, “Remus!” at the top of his lungs and flung himself into every room until he found Remus, on his hind legs, thrashing through their bedroom. The sheets and the curtains were ripped and all their belongings seemed to be sprawled across the floor of the room. At his feet, Sirius saw a framed picture of him and Remus, Sirius’ mouth pressed onto Remus’ cheek and Remus’ face scrunched up with laughter. It had been the day they-_

_Another loud howl came from Remus, who now turned towards Sirius and bared his teeth menacingly. Immediately, Sirius transformed into his animagus form, but Remus had already come bounding towards him and landed on him hard. Sirius fought him off, but no more than necessary, and then circled around Remus until his friend in wolf-form calmed and sat, still glaring at Sirius, but not attacking anymore._

_Sirius surveyed the room once and hated himself more than he ever had before. How could he have let this happen? He had failed Remus in a way he had promised to never, ever fail him. Yet here they were._

_Sirius stepped closer and Remus bared his teeth again, before turning away and howling hard into the night._

_* * *_

_The next morning, Sirius woke up still in his dog appearance, but Remus lay sprawled out across the floor, a large cut decorating his midriff, his white shirt ripped and soaked with blood. His mind still foggy with sleep, Sirius rummaged through the top drawer of the closet, knowing where to find the chocolate almost blindly, and when he found it, he propped Remus’ head up and forced tiny bits into his mouth. Remus looked up, eyes bleary, but he seemed to recognise Sirius and swallowed the chocolate before letting his eyes fall closed again._

_Sirius sat that way for a while, stroking Remus’ hair back and out of his face and swore to himself he would never let this happen again. With his lover slumped on the floor like this, wounded and vulnerable, Sirius almost completely forgot Dumbledore and James’ warnings. The young man he loved would never-_

_Sirius decided to cast away the thought, choosing ignorance over guilt._

_After a while, he took out his wand and started healing all of Remus’ wounds, something he had gotten pretty good at over the last couple of years. When Remus was completely healed and clean, Sirius carried him over and laid him on the sofa, returning to the bedroom to repair the damage and clean away the blood, as had been the routine since they’d lived together and even before that. Only there had never been as much damage as there was now, which again, confronted Sirius with his failure._

_Sirius returned to find Remus awake, blinking at him from the sofa. He sat next to him and cupped Remus’ face with one of his hands. Remus leaned into the touch, closing his eyes and letting out a deep breath._

_“Hey, love.” Sirius whispered and Remus returned a soft, “Hey.” Barely more than a breath._

_Sirius shook his head at Remus, not even aware anymore of the fact that he was stroking Remus’ cheek softly. Even after having his bones reshaped and his organs ripped apart and put back together again, after having bitten and scratched himself for lack of other victims, Remus looked breathtakingly beautiful for Sirius._

_“Sirius,” Remus whispered, “Please…stay.” His eyes were falling shut and his voice was becoming weaker with every time he repeated his name, until it was no more than Remus slightly opening and closing his mouth over and over. “Sirius. Sirius.”_

_Shivering, Sirius looked down at Remus, his hands trembling as his fingertips grazed over Remus’ face. He though of James and Lily, saw the terrified expressions they were so bravely trying to hide when Dumbledore told them the prophesy, and felt torn. He didn’t want to believe Remus was the traitor, despite all the events pointing to it. There just had to be a logical explanation for all of it. He knew it probably made him more cowardly than brave, but looking down at Remus like this, he knew he couldn’t just leave him. Never again would he let Remus go through a full moon by himself again. He’d swap with Peter as secret-keeper if he had to, a thought he’d been considering for a while now. If Death Eaters ever came, they’d come to Sirius, not to Peter. James and Lily would be better off with him in every way, or at least that was what he decided to tell himself._

_And so Sirius left Remus at the end of the day, the evening of the fourteenth of October 1981. He left him on the sofa, a blanket draped over Remus’ twenty-one year old body, plenty of chocolate within reach. Before leaving out the door, Sirius looked down at his friend for a second. “I’ll never leave you again.” He said softly and then stepped out the door, only dissaparating when he’d arrived to the corner of the street. But Sirius broke his promise. The next time he saw Remus was on the night of the thirty-first of August, after which he did exactly what he had promised not to._

_For twelve years, he left Remus alone._

* * *  
Sirius stared at the man in front of him for a few seconds, completely thrown off his guard, watching Remus’ chest rise and fall rapidly. Remus’ brown curls looked even more dishevelled than usual, as if he’d just bee racking them with his fingers. 

That was when Sirius made his decision, not caring if it was rash or if he hadn’t thought it through enough. He stepped forward towards Remus and grabbed his old friend’s scarred face with both hands. Sirius squeezed his eyes shut tightly and pulled Remus closer, but when their lips almost touched and Sirius could feel Remus’ breath on his face, the brown-haired man turned his head away. 

“Sirius, I can’t.” He said, with a pained expression in his eyes. 

Sirius shook his head with disbelief and very slowly, let his hands fall back to his sides. He could feel the blood rising to his face and his throat tightening. If possible, he felt even more broken than he had all the times Remus’ hadn’t come after him. 

“You can’t?” He simply repeated. Inside, he felt the burning desire to scream at the top of his lungs, to break something, to punch Remus, to kiss Remus. How could he not understand what Sirius was going through? 

Remus shook his head in response, tugging at the hem of his right sleeve. “I’m sorry, Sirius, I don’t think I can do this.” 

_This?_ Sirius thought angrily. Because there was no _this_ anymore, as had become apparent over the past few days. Whatever they had had was gone and broken irreparably. _Only there had to be._ There had to be something, or else they both wouldn’t be standing here, Sirius knew. And Remus knew it perfectly well too. 

“Do what?” Sirius asked boldly, his fingers curling into fists involuntarily. He kept his gaze fixed on Remus, who was breathing hard and shaking his head in a desperate, confused manner. 

“I don’t know.” He sighed. “It’s just… us. It’s-” Remus said, shrugging defeatedly. 

“What?” Sirius asked heatedly, his palm slamming onto the wall inches from Remus’ face. “If you can’t be with me then say it. I can’t fucking ignore it anymore. Say it.” 

Remus was shaking his head, looking slightly down towards Sirius now they were standing so close. “Sirius, please don’t.” He pleaded. 

“No. We can’t walk away from this anymore.” Sirius argued angrily. “Just say it, and I’ll be gone. I’ll find someplace else.” He told Remus. “Just tell me you don’t love me.” 

They both fell silent and the tiny room was now only filled with the sound of both their breaths as they watched each other. Defeat slowly dawned in Remus’ gaze and Sirius backed off the wall, shoving his hands into his pockets. 

“It’s right here,” Sirius said to Remus, showing him his right hand, which was webbed with the black lines that marked the fire that had bonded them so many hears before. “I took a vow, Remus.” He whispered and hated himself because his voice cracked again and he could feel salty tears prickling behind his eyes. “I took a vow and I’m still here, because I didn’t break it.” 

Remus shook his head, silent tears running down his cheeks, tracing the lines of his scars, old and new. “God, Sirius.” Remus’ voice was barely a whisper. 

“I love you. I love you, Remus and I always will. I’ll die the day I stop loving you, that’s how it works.” Sirius said, the tears now running down his face freely as well. “And I don’t know if you’ve found a way to get out of it Remus, but that seems pretty fucking impossible. But you’re still here as well and-“ Sirius gestured around desperately, helplessly. He didn’t want to ask Remus the question, a fraction of his pride still remaining, but now he needed the truth. “Please.” He begged breathlessly. 

Remus stepped forward then and wrapped his arms around Sirius, burying his face in Sirius’ hair. Sirius could feel more tears coming as he smelled Remus’ old washing powder on his clothes and felt the soft, brown curls, now streaked with grey, tickle his nose. 

“I was so angry, Pads. So angry. I felt like you had betrayed me. James and Lily were bad, but I could live with that as long as I had you. But you just left and-“ 

“I’m so sorry, Remus.” Sirius said, stepping back and intertwining their fingers. His eyes followed Remus as he looked down towards their hands and then snapped back up towards his face when Remus pulled his hands away. 

“I was so angry. Not just with you, Sirius, but with myself too. How could I still love you, after all you’d done? Now I know you didn’t betray James and Lily, but you betrayed me. You promised you’d never let me go and then you left me. You broke me and left me and I still loved you. I still love you.” 

Sirius didn’t know what do, so he merely watched as Remus clenched his teeth and took a deep breath, but let it out without saying anything else. His insides were churning with a feeling of disgust. Disgust towards himself, because no matter how many times he had promised he would always be there for his friends, he had failed the one he loved most. Disgust, because he had somehow still turned into what he had most tried to avoid, a true Black, backstabbing and betraying. He considered excusing himself. Explaining how they had all followed Dumbledore and how Remus’ distant attitude hadn’t helped Sirius trust him. How they had all been desperate at the time and how suspecting Remus had been a horrible, horrible mistake, but he didn’t feel he had the right to say those things. 

“I though it was the vow. I though it was the unbreakable vow that made me love you every single day without stop, but that’s not the way it works. I tried so hard to break it, when you were in Azkaban. Every time I saw your face I told myself how much I hated you, but it didn’t work. And then last year everything became so clear, but still… You left me, Sirius. I love you, but how am I supposed to forgive you?” 

Sirius wiped his tears with the back of his hand and shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know.” He whispered. 

Remus squeezed his eyes shut for a moment and two large tears ran down either side of his face. “Me neither, Sirius.” 

_* * *_  
_The news had gotten to him fast but not fast enough. The moment he apparated in front of James and Lily’s house, he just knew they were gone. He felt it in the air. Frantic, Remus ran through the open front door and up the into the hallway, but he didn’t need to look for long. There they were, lying next to each other at the top of the stairs. And there was someone else sitting next to Lily and James’ dead bodies, holding James in his arms and screaming at the top of his lungs._  
_“Remus,” Sirius exclaimed when he looked up to Remus standing over him. He only held Remus’ gaze for a few seconds before bursting into a new course of sobs. Remus himself felt lightheaded and had to grab onto the banisters to prevent himself from staggering._

_“No.”_

_Sirius was clutching James’ body tight to his chest, his face so close to that of their dead friend that his tears fell onto James’ cheeks. Remus could watch it only for a moment before falling to his knees. He reached for Lily desperately, but her hands were cold and stiff, her eyes still filled with fear but dull and lifeless._

_“Harry!” Remus suddenly exclaimed, when he realised the little boy must’ve been in the house too the moment Voldemort attacked. He ran into the baby room, but saw only and empty cot. Fear tightened his chest and he felt his blood pounding in his temples as he looked around the room frantically. “Sirius! Where is Harry?”_

_Sirius, who apparently hadn’t noticed Remus’ outburst until now, looked up bleary eyed with a look in his eyes Remus’ couldn’t decipher. “Harry survived.” Sirius said breathlessly. He stood up slowly, gently letting go of James and raked his hands through his long, black hair. “Harry survived and Hagrid took him, just now.” He had been staring into the distance, but now looked straight at Remus. “It’s over, Moony. He’s gone. Voldemort’s gone.” Sirius didn’t even seem touched by what he just said, but instead sank down next to James and Lily again, sobbing just as uncontrollably as before._

_And something inside Remus snapped. He lunged forward and grabbed Sirius by his collar, pushing him up against the wall and for once fully towering over him. “JAMES AND LILY ARE DEAD.” Remus screamed. He felt as if he could’ve turned into a wolf right then and right there. He felt as if he could shred Sirius to pieces. “You…you.” Remus took out his wand and held it against Sirius’ throat, who was surprisingly not struggling at all._

_“I’m so sorry, Remus, I’m so sorry,” The young man sobbed, biting his lips and looking at Remus with a pleading, desperate look in his eyes that Remus had never seen before. “I thought I’d done the right thing.”_

_“BY BETRAYING THEM?” Remus roared, pressing even closer, his fist now pushing against Sirius’ Adam’s apple and his wand pushing hard against the pale skin of his neck. Remus’ hands were trembling, but so was all of Sirius, so it was hard to tell what made Remus’ wand shake so violently. He wanted to do something, but Remus’ mind was blank with anger. He couldn’t think of any spell, any magic powerful enough to channel the fire that was burning inside him. “You were their friend.” He spat._

_“I know!” Sirius screamed. “I thought I was saving them! I… I… I’m so sorry.” Again, Sirius broke down, he tried to look past Remus at James, but Remus pushed him harder._

_“How could you?” Remus howled. Tears were running down his cheeks as well, burning hot, but he barely noticed them. He looked at his old friend wondering if he could even call him that anymore. What he’d thought all this time was now confirmed, but the truth felt as a stab in his guts, no matter how much he’d expected it._

_Sirius just shook his head in defeat. “It’s all my fault. I’m so sorry.” He repeated, again and again, until Remus couldn’t stand hearing it anymore and flung Sirius aside. The latter staggered a couple of times and then steadied himself, looking down at Remus, who kept his eyes fixed on him even as he lowered himself to kneel next to Lily and James._

_“Don’t touch them!” Remus shouted when Sirius took a step towards him and raised his wand. This time, his hand was entirely steady._

_They held each other’s gaze for a few moments, until Sirius reached inside his back pocket. Knowing he was going for his wand, Remus jumped up and pointed his own wand directly at Sirius’ chest. “Leave.” He ordered, his voice trembling with anger._

_Sirius just nodded, which took Remus by surprise, though he refused to show it._

_“I’ll get him for this, Remus,” Sirius said after taking a couple of deep breaths. His voice sounded weak, strained and hoarse from crying so much. “I fucked up, but I’ll get him.”_

_He didn’t ask for forgiveness again before dissaparating with a loud crack, and Remus just stood there for a moment, watching the spot where Sirius Black had just stood. Then he sank down to his knees and took James and Lily into his arms, finally breaking down into sobs over their lifeless bodies, stroking their hair away from their faces and closing their lids with trembling fingers. He thought Sirius was going for Voldemort and hoped Sirius’d go down with him._

_He didn’t realise that since Voldemort had already fallen, Sirius had to be going after someone else and he soon forgot that small detail amongst everything else that had happened on that horrible evening of the 31st October._

_Clutching James and Lily’s bodies he wondered why he was still alive. Why the Unbreakable vow hadn’t taken his life, because after everything that had happened, he couldn’t possibly still love Sirius Black. And he wondered the same thing for many years after._

_It took him twelve years to remember what Sirius had said, and when he did, seeing Peter Pettigrew’s name on the Marauder’s Map, it dawned on him. Sirius had never betrayed James and Lily. The only person he had betrayed, was him._

* * *  
Remus had woken up with swollen eyes that morning, before dawn had even appeared on the horizon. He’d lain in bed for a few minutes, listening to Sirius’ strangled moans in the other room and trying not to imagine the horrors his old friend saw in his sleep. 

Being as silent as he could, even though he knew Sirius was a deep sleeper, he creeped out of his room and left a note on the kitchen table letting Sirius know he’d be out that day. The rest of the day, he’d tried not to think of Sirius, but he wasn’t very successful and as he filled his bag with groceries and walked around in the humid June heat that had settled over the country, his mind kept racing back to the man with long black hair and a deep, penetrating gaze. 

_“I’ll never leave you again.”_

Remus kept hearing the words in his mind and was sure he hadn’t dreamed them. Sirius’ voice was much to clear in his memory to have been dreamed. The only problem was he couldn’t place the sentence into any memory, any context. The only memories he could recall were those of cold sheets and empty mornings, leading up to the thirty-first of October 1981. 

He spent the rest of the day in Little Whinging, on duty watch over Harry, watching the exact replica of his lost best friend sulk around the small, sub-urban town, his head down. Poor Harry looked just about as frustrated as Remus felt. He wished he could just walk up to him and tell him everything would be alright. Remus knew what it was like to feel alone and it was something he wished Harry Potter, towards whom he felt protective like a father, despite having been cut off from him and his parents so long ago. He knew deep inside, that James would’ve wanted Sirius and him to take care of his son. He would’ve never wanted them to end this way. 

Harry had gotten so big. 

The light was already fading when Remus stepped back into his house, his heart beating hard in his chest at the thought of seeing Sirius again. And still, despite having waited for this moment all day, his breath caught in his throat when he found Sirius sitting on the sofa, examining a pile of CD’s with great attention and interest. Remus almost grinned to himself, thinking of how Sirius had missed a whole decade in muggle developments, and he’d never been good with them in the first place. 

“Hi.” Sirius said, looking up when he noticed Remus had returned. He had washed his hair and the black locks fell just above his shoulders, shiny and voluminous. He’d shaved as well, which took Remus fourteen years into the past for the second time that day. First Harry, who was almost identical to James, and now Sirius, who looked just like his twenty-one year old self again, almost. 

“Hi,” Remus answered. He then cleared his throat. “Sirius.” He said, but didn’t get any further. Sirius stood up, unconsciously raking a hand through his hair like Remus had seen him do a countless amount of times. 

“Listen, Moons-“ Sirius started, but Remus stepped forwards. He didn’t think, and suddenly it was easy not to. He cupped Sirius’ face with both hands and kissed him. For a moment, the world dissolved around them and the only thing Remus was aware of was Sirius relaxing under his touch and giving into the kiss. Remus let go of the breath he felt he’d been holding ever since Sirius had disappeared. Then he pulled back, biting his lip. 

“Come on, love.” Muttered Sirius. 

When Remus looked up at Sirius, he saw the sparks of fire in his eyes that had lighted them years ago and Sirius was _smiling_ at him. He tugged Remus’ hands off his neck and intertwined their fingers, leaning forward to press his mouth to Remus’ again. 

“I’m sorry.” Sirius whispered in between soft kisses. 

Remus stayed still for a moment, his eyes fluttering closed as Sirius pressed his mouth against Remus’ neck. “I know.” He breathed, finally giving in to the man he’d missed for fourteen long years. 

Their kisses were hungry, their mouths and hands all over, like they constantly needed more skin, more touches, more spit to fill in the emptiness those fourteen years without each other had left them with. Remus’ hands were curled around Sirius’ dark locks, tugging at them to expose Sirius’ neck, where he traced the sensitive spaces across his throat with his lips.  
Their ragged breaths filled the room as they stood there, staking small steps together until Sirius’ back was pressed against the wall. Remus stepped back for a moment, taking in all of Sirius, watching his chest heave as he panted heatedly. 

“Remus…” Sirius started saying, but Remus interrupted him again with his a wet, lingering kiss. Sirius shuddered under his touch and answered by pulling Remus closer, tugging at his neck, his shirt, his hair. There weren’t any more words between them, only touches and kisses that answered anything that had to be said. _I need you. Don’t stop._

The feeling of Sirius’ chapped lips against Remus’ was exactly the way he’d remembered it. His skin tasted the same. Smelled the same. Pulling back just for a moment, Remus shed his coat off and leaned back into Sirius, holding his face close with both hands cupping his old lover’s cheeks. 

In response, Sirius pulled his white shirt over his head. The sight took Remus’ breath away. Sirius’ whole midriff was inked with black drawings. He traced the antlers of a stag that covered Sirius’ chest with his fingertips, his breath coming in uneven rags from his parted lips. 

“Sirius.” He breathed as his fingers reached the different stages of the moon on Sirius’ hipbones. He locked eyes with Sirius for a moment, knowing Sirius felt the same. There was no way he didn’t. He had to. 

Without breaking their gaze, Remus unbuttoned his own shirt, letting the light summer fabric fall to the floor. A pained look appeared on Sirius breath, and Remus followed his eyes to look down at the multitude of new scars that covered his body. He felt his face flush for a moment and looked away, not wanting to see Sirius’ reaction to the obvious monster that was drawn upon his skin. 

Only Sirius softly turned Remus’ face back to face him. 

“Are you… sure?” Remus whispered, leaning forward so their noses touched. 

The corners of Sirius’ mouth curled upwards as the man chuckled, shaking his head ever so slightly. “Yes.” He said, his hands pressed flat against Remus’ back and sliding down until they rested on Remus’ hips. “I’m sure, Moony. I love you,” He said, and kissed him again. Remus made a small, whimpering noise against Sirius’ lips. “I love you.” Sirius said, again and again in between their sloppy kisses. “I’ll never leave you.” 


End file.
